How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
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Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
A leaf blower, but for people.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO