I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.