Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
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My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face