I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
we’re dead?
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*