Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
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A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.