Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.