I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
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Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.