[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
You Might Also Like
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.