Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
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[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.