Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
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Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I occasionally drink every single night.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.