The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
my sentiments exactly
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Realize this:
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined