The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
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4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.