Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do