I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
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Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.