My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Simple enough.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”