Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
You Might Also Like
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Never forget.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
sir, my pâté if you please
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
White Castle for the Win
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.