the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
fixed it
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum