How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
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I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
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favorite tropes as memes
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .