My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
😲 WTF? 😆
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”