*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
You Might Also Like
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.