New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”