This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
WHO DID THIS?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
This meal prepping shit is easy
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Anyone want a chair?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
house sitting!
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.