me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Flowers bee like
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.