I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
You Might Also Like
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
There’s only one good girl here!
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.