Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.