The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
We’ve all been there
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China