If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
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There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?