him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
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[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…