If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
You Might Also Like
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.