Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking