Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
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2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
The smoothest fall of all time
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there