if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Damn what did I do next
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
This made me smile…
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?