Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Did I do this right
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.