I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*