[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
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Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Same pineapple, same