[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Cow it started Cow it’s going
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.