Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
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Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’m so full I could puke a horse
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher