Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
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Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
i wish we could shoplift online
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on