I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
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Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
three things we don’t talk about
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
6. me as a lawyer
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.