I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
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My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Challenge accepted.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.