Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
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cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.