If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
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If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
❤️❤️❤️
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!