sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.