Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
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i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.