Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
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i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*