I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
You Might Also Like
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
“Huge”.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.