triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
some things should go without saying
😂😂😂
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
All excellent questions
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
So creative 😂
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute