[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.