[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
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People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.