[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?